A Letter to My Younger Self…

Dear [1991] Jody,

Someday you’re going to be a MILF:

Okay, not really. And, to be fair this photo was taken before you shot two nine pound spawn from your vajayjay. (I know, right? KIDS??? Two of them.) You don’t actually look anything like this now. When you put in a little effort you still clean up okay and sometimes when you run into one of the douchebags from highschool (who wouldn’t give you a second look) they don’t even recognize you. That’s because, [1991] Jody, you look like this right now:

You thought you were rocking this look. While back-to-school shopping you chose that hideous shirt with school photos in mind. The sad part, dear, sweet, naive, gullible, awkward Jody; it’ll only get worse before it gets better. A whole lot worse. You’ll have one boyfriend in highschool. He’s a douche but you should still date him because all the crap he’ll put you through will be part of what makes you the loud-mouthed, bad-ass, confident, no sh!t-taking, mind-speaking BIOTCH you are today. But don’t worry. You will emerge on the other side of head-gear (you’ll wear it to school; yikes!), braces (2 glorious years), acne (well, your skin still sucks but not as bad as it’ll be in grades 10, 11 and 12), bad hair choices (sadly, the photo above is not the worst hairstyle you’ll have), $59.99 rack glasses (that’s your cheap parents’ fault, nothing could have been done), endless fashion mishaps (there’s only so far minimum wage can get a girl) and an awkwardness that makes me weep. And when you come out on the other side, the one guy from highschool who WILL date you the fall after graduation will only date you in secret for fear of being teased by his friends. Boys will still shudder at the thought of what you had looked like for the previous 4 years. Your dear, wonderful, loving husband (yup, you snagged you a good one, yo!) once said that if he’d seen this photo of you before your first date he might not have succumbed to all the blatant and shameless stalking advances.

Someday you’ll embrace the former you. You’ll recognize that everything you’ve done (and what you used to look like) made you who you are. Don’t change a thing about yourself from here on out. Well, maybe ease up on the brown lip liner, avoid drinking that entire mickey of lemon gin in September 1992 and the old, chubby, short guy you ‘date’ the summer after graduation, he’s going to spread nasty and untrue rumours about you. Oh, and be a little nicer to your parents. They really do love you and they’re looking out for you.

Yours Truly,

[2010] Jody

Ray Bans…not cool.

I’m not a fan of the 80s fashion trends. I can sort of live with them. Hell, I’ve even bought a pair of skinny jeans. They don’t make me look skinny; nothing but starvation and dehydration can do that. But they’re called skinny jeans so they make me feel better about my back fat. And my lack of ass. The long shirts are nice that way. They hide stuff. I should have kept some of my maternity clothes; they’re even in style for women not growing humans in their abdomens. Some people take the 80s fad a little too far. I don’t think we should ever (EVER) go back to this:

The bright, neon colours were bad back then and they’re almost more hideous the second time around. They can cause temporary blindness, nausea, eye strain and in some cases whiplash. Good GOD this is never nice:

Ray Bans didn’t look good on Tom Cruise in ‘Risky Business’ and they don’t look good now. On ANYONE. Not than anything could look good on this socialite ho-bag:

I guess I actually DON’T hate the 80s trend sweeping the nation because I can’t help wanting all three of these outfits and they’re 80s. Right?

Aunt Becky wanted her (cult) followers to blog about things that annoy them. There are countless things that annoy me. In fact, this blog could be dedicated exclusively to things that annoy me and I’d never run out of things to write about. Aunt Becky curses a lot and she’s funny as hell. What kind of woman calls her children ‘crotch parasites’? Aunt Becky.